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This beautiful new secretary was showing a lot
of cleavage. So her boss touched her left breast and asked: "Is
this for sale ?" "No, of course not !", she angrily replied.
"Then stop advertising it."
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Seeing a picture of
his wife in the nude hanging at the art show, he demanded of her:
"Did you really pose for that?" "Don't be ridiculous,"
she replied, "of course not. He painted it from memory."
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At midnight one middle age man was waiting at a
train station to cross the country to back east to see his relative. As he
stepped up into the train car he noticed that the car was almost empty
except a young beautiful nun sat by herself reading a bible. The man came
and sat near by her hoping to get some companionship during the long ride.
However, the nun was paying no attention to him. She just kept on reading
bible without even looking up to him nor saying a word. As time went by
slowly and silently, it made the man more and more anxious to start
conversation. But he did not know how or where to start. The man then
put his hand on the nun's lap. The nun blushed with a little bit of anger.
She turn around and said, "Dear sir, do you believe in god?" He
replied" Yes, I do." "Have you read the bible ? You know it
is wrong to put your hand on my lap. Perhaps you
should go home and read line 23 on page 157." she asked. The man
withdrew his hand and sat quietly till the train reached the East coast.
Next day, people found out that he shot himself in his room while the bible
lay open on page 157. The line 23 read: "Heaven is a little bit
higher."
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King
Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving
his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the
Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful
and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with
something.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good
wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity
belt...except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at
this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the
Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said
Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was
looking for. He then selected his most worn but wand, one that he was
going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the
chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it
neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now
I can leave knowing that my queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his
Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them
drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure
enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some
way. All of them except Sir Galahadh's.
"Sir Galahadhis," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only
true knight! Only ou among all the nobles have been true to me. What
is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahadh was speechless. |
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A journalist had done a story on gender roles in
Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women
customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to
Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind
their wives.
She approached one of the women for an
explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What
enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land
mines"
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A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly
lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to
tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said,
"No?" "Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico
they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the
workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to
the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the
latex sets up and dries right onto
their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big
'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he
had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old
woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they
must make condoms!"
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A housewife called
up a pet store and said,
"Send me thirty thousand cockroaches at
once."
"What in the world do you want with
thirty thousand cockroaches?"
asked the astonished clerk.
"Well," replied the woman, "I
am moving today and my lease says I
must leave the premises in exactly the same
condition I found them." |
| The man approached
the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You
know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a
couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a
beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
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A guy dials home from work. A strange woman
answers.
Guy: "Who is this?"
Maid: "This is the maid."
Guy: "We don't have a maid!"
Maid: "I was just hired this morning by the
lady of the house."
Guy: "Well, this is her husband. Is she
there?"
Maid: "Ummm.... she's upstairs in the
bedroom with someone who I
just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming.
Guy: "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"
Maid: "What do I have to do?"
Guy: "I want you to get my gun from my desk
in the den and shoot
that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears
footsteps, followed by
two gunshots. The maid comes back to the
phone.
Maid: "What should I do with the
bodies?"
Guy: "Throw them in the swimming
pool!"
Maid: "What? But there's no pool
here!"
Long pause...
Guy: "Uh.... Is this 832-482?"
Maid "No..."
Guy: "Oh... Sorry... Wrong number..."
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As US tourists in
Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop,
waiting for fellow tourists to arrive.
An Arab salesman approached them carrying
belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where
they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin,
the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife.
He looked at her and asked. "Is he
your husband?"
"Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered...
"I'll give you 100 camels for her."
The husband looked stunned, and there was a
long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat
indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which
the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100
camels back home." |
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