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40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE
HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN |
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1) NOT KISSING
FIRST. |
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones it makes
her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's
worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the
ultimate form of foreplay. |
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2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. |
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to
extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts. |
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3) NOT SHAVING. |
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin, which you
rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her
head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance. |
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4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. |
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them. |
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5) BITING HER NIPPLES. |
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly
sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them
gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a
dogie toy isn't. |
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6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
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Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the
nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio
station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the
exclamation points. |
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7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. |
A woman is not a highway with just three
turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are
vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go
bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some
attention. |
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8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. |
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt
region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be
that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off. |
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9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. |
Condom disposal is the man's
responsibility. You wore it, you store it. |
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10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. |
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so
gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris. |
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11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. |
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they
left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you
can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not. |
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12) UNDRESSING HER
AWKWARDLY.
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Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she
will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head.
Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy. |
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13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING
FOREPLAY. |
Stroking her gently through her panties can
be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it
back and forth is not. |
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14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. |
Although most men can find the clitoris
without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No
sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen
banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not
careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more
attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then
gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it. |
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15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. |
You're attempting to give her a sensual,
relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay;
elbows and knees are not. |
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16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. |
Don't force the issue by stripping before
she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's
just undoing a couple of buttons. |
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17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF
FIRST. |
A man in socks and underpants is a at his
worst. Lose the socks first. |
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18) GOING TOO FAST. |
When you get to the penis-in-vagina
situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial
power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete
by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular
thrusts.
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19) GOING TOO HARD. |
If you bash your great triangular hip bones
into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback
riding concentrated into a few seconds. |
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20) COMING TOO SOON. |
Every man's fear. With reason.
If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a
backup plan to ensure her pleasure too. |
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21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
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It may appear to you that humping for an
hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more
likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall
hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing
Marathon Man. |
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22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. |
You really ought to be able to tell. Most
women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask
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23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. |
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of
milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating
or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. |
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24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. |
Men persist in doing this until she's
eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis.
All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave
by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking
seductively to her.
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25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
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Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg
white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her
before you come so she can do what's necessary. |
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26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. |
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving
during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head. |
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27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE
FROM PORN MOVIES. |
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it
when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more
laundry to do. |
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28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. |
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying
there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently,
so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And
let her have a rest. |
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29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT
WAS AN ACCIDENT. |
This is how men earn a reputation for not
being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her
first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse. |
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30) TAKING PICTURES. |
When a man says, "Can I take a photo
of you?" she'll hear the words, "to show my buddies." At
least let her have custody of them.
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31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
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Imagination is anything from drawing
patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit,
vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and
permanent dye are a no no.
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32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST
HERS.
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There is no less erotic noise.
It's as sexy as a belching contest |
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33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID
POSES. |
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed,
fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask
yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings. |
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34) LOOKING FOR HER
PROSTATE. |
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels
good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't. |
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35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
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It is highly erotic to exert some gentle
suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants
to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end. |
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36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
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Don't shout encouragement like a coach with
a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on. |
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37) TALKING DIRTY. |
It makes you sound like a lonely
magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll
let you know |
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38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
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You have to finish the job. Keep on trying
until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you. |
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39) SQUASHING HER. |
Men generally weigh more than women, so if
you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue. |
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40) THANKING HER. |
Never thank a woman for having
sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen. |
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