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Q: Why do married men gain
weight while bachelors don't ?
A: Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to
bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the
refrigerator. |
At a silver wedding
anniversary the husband was standing in one corner looking very sad.
"What's the matter?" asked his friend. "Well, a
week after marriage, I got fed up and wanted to kill my wife, but my
lawyer said that I would get 25 years. Now I realise that today I
would have been a free man." |
A couple were in bed after celebrating their
golden anniversary. The wife said, "Darling, embrace me the way
you used to when we first got married." He did. "Now
kiss me the way you used to...... He did. Now darling bite me
the way you used to..... At this point the husband got out of bed
and the wife said, "Where are you going, dear?" "To
get my teeth," the husband replied.
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One night, as a
couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder
and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to
stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries
to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow too?." |
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During their silver anniversary, a wife
reminded her husband : "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I
was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied
: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life." |
When a bachelor
marries, his wife has three qualities - she is an economist in the
kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in bed. After
a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but alas - she
is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an
economist in bed. |
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Adam and the Eve were the happiest and the
luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law. |
If you want a
perfect stereo for your car then let your wife sit in the front and
your mother-in-law in the back. |
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Two friends met. "You look sad, Fred,
what's the trouble?" asked the first friend. "Domestic
trouble." "But you always bragged that your wife is a
pearl." "She still is. It's the mother-of-pearl that makes
all the trouble." |
#1 CAUSE OF
DIVORCE
Remember; Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. It's TRUE!
Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage! |
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was "Always". |
I haven't spoken to
my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. |
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Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring,
wedding ring, and suffering. |
The last fight was
my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said,
Dust!" |
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In the beginning, God created earth and
rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created
woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. |
Do you know the
punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. |
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Young Son asks: "Dad, is it true, I heard
that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son." |
A man inserted an
'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine." |
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The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once. |
First guy
(proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're
lucky, mine's still alive." |
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How do most men define marriage? An
expensive way to get laundry done for free. |
Just think, if it
weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no
faults at all. |
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If you want your wife to listen and pay
undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. |
Then there was a
man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got
married;
And then it was too late." |
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy,
how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied,
"I don't know son, I'm still paying. |
In an interview,
Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary, she would leave President
Clinton. In response, Clinton said, "If Pamela Anderson
were Hillary, none of this would have happened in the first place." |
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Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she
expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she
respects him. |
There was this guy
who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell
for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell. |
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted". Next day, he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing "You can have mine." |
When a man opens
the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the
car is new or the wife is. |
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It's easy to tell if a man is married or
not..Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If
both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married. |
A man received a
letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't
promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your
wife." The poor man wrote back, "I am afraid I can't keep my
promise but I hope you will keep yours." |
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"What's the matter, you look
depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak
to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you
happy." "It did, but today is the last day." |
"Darling,"
whispered a frail little husband from his chair, "I'm very
sick, would you please call me a vet?" "A vet? Why do you
want a vet and not a medical doctor?" The husband replied,
"Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with
a silly cow." |
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go
for our anniversary?" She said, "Some where I have never
been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" |
We always hold
hands. If I let go, she shops.
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She has an electric blender, electric toaster,
and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many
gadgets, and no place to sit down! So I bought her an electric
chair. |
A husband said to
his wife, Your mother has been living with us for 5 years now. Isn't
it time that she got herself her own apartment?" "My
mother ?" said the shocked wife, "I thought she was your
mother." |
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A couple had three children. Two of them were
bright, smart and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly and
backward. One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me
the truth dear, is this third child really mine ?" "Yes,
dear," replied the wife, " but the other two are not." |
One day a father
called his 6 children together and asked, "Now tell me, who has been
most obedient during last week and did everything mother asked?"
In one voice they all replied, "You, daddy." |
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling,
"Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
said the truck driver. |
When you hate, the
only person that suffers is you. Because most of the people you hate
don't know it and the others don't care |
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This man was sitting quietly reading his paper
one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind
him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He
asks, "What was that for?" She replies, "What was that
piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on
it?" He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I
went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet
on." She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she
repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for this
time?" She answered, "Your horse just called." |
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