Talking Constructively
To Settle Conflicts

Conflicts are brought on by differences in beliefs, experiences, and values and can harm relationships if actions are not taken to resolve the issues leading to them.

The Objectives

Do

Don’t

As viewpoints differ, it is essential to find a suitable time and a comfortable place to talk things through. 

Deal directly with the person involved and try to understand the problem from his / her viewpoint.  Treat the “offender” as a person of worth and as an equal.  Speak the truth but with respect and kindness.

Words of disrespect will block communication and may create wounds that may never heal. 

Avoid simmering in negative emotions by sharing your feelings and working together to solve problems.

Wait until you are not so upset or angry before talking about the problem. 

Speech can be destructive so avoid harsh or violent speech.

Describe the misbehaviour and highlight the consequences of his / her actions.  Find out if the “offender” is aware of the feelings his / her action has induced in you.  Have both of you set the boundaries in your relationship as to what is acceptable and what is not?

Focus on the misbehaviour or problem and not on the person.  Do this by remembering the good qualities of the “offender” and not on his / her faults.  Avoid saying, “You always….”, “You don’t…”, “You should not…”, etc.  

Avoid being on the defensive as you expect that the “offender” will disagree with you.

Talking or asking about the problem will give opportunity for the “offender” to explain and to take steps to make the desired changes

Think and talk positively.  Be reasonable and talk to settle the conflict, not to win. 

Avoid talking about “offender” 'behind his / her backs.  Gossiping take time away from fixing the conflict.  Stop yourself by asking if you would be prepared to say the same things in his / her presence. 

Confirm the facts you have on the matter.  Listen to the “offender to hear his / her side of the story.  Explain how you see the problem.  Find out if the information you have that started the conflict is partially true or not true at all.  If it is not true, talk to the “offender” about your source to find out why this has come about to prevent the same malicious act from recurring.   

Seek first to understand, then to be understood by recalling some of your own experiences where you have caused others to suffer.  Listen to the feelings and needs of the “offender” and try to imagine how he / she sees things. 

Do not give out confidential information or information that may be embarrassing to the other parties involved in the conflict.

Work to find a "win-win" solution.  Ask for suggestions on how to resolve the conflict.  Provide your own and list them all.  Then work on agreeing on the most workable solution that both of you understand and can live with. 

Explore alternative solutions and be non-judgemental of “offender’s” ideas. 

Do not accept any solution without first evaluating its consequences.

Make the “offender” feel relieved that he / she has your support in dealing with the situation.

Be committed to resolving the conflict and evaluate after a period of time.

Make some adjustments if the solution is not working.

Once the issue has been resolved, avoid bringing it up in the next conflict or disagreement as it will delay healing wounds.