|
What Could Stop
You From Forgiving? |
Where Do You
Stand? |
Taking Action |
Are you matured
enough to forgive?
Check your level of maturity or experience by playing the "If'
game: |
If I hear news that
he / she has done that, I will not forgive him / her. |
In adopting this
attitude, you are not giving the "offender" a chance to tell his
/ her side of the story. Following are things that you can ponder on
before you overreact :
- Could "offender" / you have
been sabotaged?
- Are there people in
"offender's" / your circle who are envious of
"offender" / you enough to mess up your life with rumours?
- Is someone out to get what you have, eg,
the "offender"?
- Is it an excuse for you to give up on
the relationship?
|
|
If I catch / see
him / her in the act, I will not forgive him / her. |
A picture can paint
a thousand words. So, are you putting in more thoughts into what you
actually see? Cool down by pondering on the following points before
you talk to the offender about what you saw and how / why it hurt
you.
- Is the "offender" aware that
his / her action will hurt you? Did you set the boundaries on
what can be done or cannot be done?
- Is the offending act a cry for your
attention?
- Is the "offender" trying to
communicate his / her feeling of lack of being needed / desired by
turning to people (not acceptable to you) who need / desire him / her?
|
|
I can sense that
something is not right. I am going talk to him / her to see if
things are alright. If there is a problem, I will work it out with
him / her so that we can resolve the problem together. I will help
him / her realize that anyone can make mistake and assure him / her that
as long as he / she take steps to change, I will forgive him / her. |
Be attentive to the
people you care about and you will be able to sense when something is not
right.
- How many times have you read in the
newspaper that parents did not realise that their teenage daughter was
pregnant till the baby was due for delivery? Do not wait till the matter becomes a
big issue before you take action.
- If you are able to arrest the problem
before it creates bad emotions, there will not be anything to
forgive.
- If you decided to wait till you hear or
see something before taking action, it may take a longer time to
resolve the problem, as in the case of addiction / substance abuse.
|
Are you living
on double standards?
You can choose how you feel about a situation. In choosing to feel
good, you will not have any negative emotions to eliminate and when bad
emotions have not been created over an issue, there is nothing to forgive.
|
Sometimes, we are
not aware that we practice unfair treatments to people in our life.
Here is a little story to push this point across:
Two women friends met after many years.
Tell me," said one, "What happened to your son?"
My son? The poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. What an unfortunate
marriage he made-to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house.
She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is
sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her
breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"
"That's awful!! And what about your daughter?"
"Ah-now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her
do a thing in the house. He won't let her do a thing in the house. He has
servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and cleaning. And each
morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does
is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing
and reading in bed." |
Test yourself by
playing the "If" game. First imagine that the
"offender" is someone who you really care for, then ask yourself the following questions:
- If the act that offended me was done by
another who I really
care for, would I forgive him / her?
- Would I feel the same way if someone who
I really
care for approached me on the same matter?
- Would I react the same way too if someone
who I really
care for did that to me?
- Would I be able to accept it if someone
who I really
care for did that to me?
|
Are you bursting
bubbles?
Can you still remember the first time you were given a bottle of soap
solution to play with? You put this little stick, with a loop at
its end, into the bottle of solution and when you take it out and blow
through that circle, bubbles magically flow out and float around you in
the air. Can you still remember how wonderful that feels. How
does it feels when someone tries to burst those bubbles? |
When you are in
love, you create bubbles of positive feelings around you. There are
feelings of +(being cared for), +(being appreciated ), +(being needed),
+(warmth), etc, to name a few.
We tend to forget that these bubbles can easily be ruptured / neutralized
by negative feelings. So, we are actually bursting the bubbles of
people we love when we show them our negative emotions, such as, -(anger),
-(sadness) -(disappointment), etc.
When you feel less love for the "offender", you are cutting down
your level of tolerance thus making it difficult for you to forgive the
acts that have hurt you. |
So, what are you
going to do about that?
- Put yourself in "offender's"
shoes and see if you have ruptured his / her bubbles.
- Do not let your resentment build up to
the extend that all the bubbles of love you have for each other have
been ruptured.
- Recall all the nice things the
"offender" has done for you so that you can replace the
bubbles that have been ruptured.
- Learn to love each other again and it
will not be so hard to forgive.
|
bravenet.com