What You Can Do To Help Your Spouse

• They experienced some sort of loss in their relationship, as their needs have not been met.
• They want to escape from the pressures, stresses, and drabness of their marriage life. 
• They have formed close friendships with those of the opposite sex who share their misery and fill up the void and unmet needs in their marriage.
•  They have found someone who seems to understand, care, or nourish them.
• They are involved in recreational activities that do not include the spouse.
• They are frequently away from you on business trips.
• Temptation and the knowledge that they will not be caught (as in the case of a wife who is financially dependent on the husband. 
• Intoxication

2^nd stage
Routine meetings, letters, and phone calls. .

3^rd Stage
Feeling of confusion as they wonder if they should continue with the illicit relationship or work on their marriage.

May sense that the affair is only meeting a part of life's needs.

Feeling of guilt, as they know that the affair is wrong.

4^th stage
Feelings of dissatisfaction when the affair partner starts making demands.

Realisation that it will destroy much of life they have built up.

Once they start realising that they may be losing more than they are gaining, they will start to develop the courage to break from the affair

Final Stage
Would like to get out of the illicit relationship but are unsure of how to do so.

Re-establishing former relationships.

Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair 

Understand your lack of fulfilment, your losses, and your unmet needs and tell your spouse about it.

Learn to reduce the stress load on your life.

Consider a change in career or environment.

Work on marriage enrichment and learn to stay away from temptation.

Find new excitement and adventure in your life by taking up sailing or go on a backpacking trip.  Involve your spouse in these activities.

Remind yourself of how inconsiderate the act was and how much pain your spouse was made to suffer.  Note that when the pain becomes unbearable, it can lead to depression and thoughts of suicide.    

Change your routine and take precautions to never see or talk to the former lover,

Avoid places and circumstances that could revive the relationship.

Before you stray again, think about how it will affect your children. 

If you have difficulty forgiving your spouse, ask yourself, “If my emotional needs are not being met and I too have the opportunity, would I have an affair too?”

Things you can ponder and work on:

What are my spouse’s changing needs and what can I do to make him happier and more fulfilled?

Are there things about me that irritate my spouse?

Am I stimulating to be around?

Have I changed?  Is my spouse still proud of the way I look? 

Am I boring my spouse?  Are there are habits or routine that I can change to bring greater satisfaction to my marriage?

Am I smothering my spouse?  Is my attitude too mothering or does he/she sees a dictator in me?

Could I help him / her reduce stress or am I adding to the load?

Have I provided my spouse any support to help him accomplish the goals that he or she has set for life? 

A Chinese saying:

"When someone shares with you something of value and you derive benefit from it, you have the obligation to share it with others".
 

Nancy Poh Shares
greenbeings@mail2malaysia.com